Prologue
When thinking about a place for my Twitterive, I couldn’t quite decide on just one place. And then I realized that the reason for this was because for the past year and a half, I have not quite been able to decide on just one place. Eight months out of the year, my life has been a back and forth roller coaster. At the least, I am home every two weeks from school, even though I live two hours away. The reasoning for this, or at least the surface reasoning for this, is that I have to babysit. Which is true, the families I babysit for wait for me to come home and rely on me still, even though I am at school, so I willingly comply. However, this is not the only reason I am going home.
As a place, my home is not particularly extraordinary. I live in a small town and an average home. It is beyond these fixated marks that matters to me, that makes my home what it is to me. There are a number of reasons I could choose to give to explain why I am coming home. My home, though eclectic, is a warm, loving, and inviting place. I am also extremely close to both my immediate and my extended family and I love going home to see them.
I have always had a love/hate relationship with my double life of going back and forth from Rowan and home. Though I personally knew the rationale behind this constant back and forth motion, it is rare that I truly admit it to myself or anyone else. Thinking about that, I ended up challenging myself and exploring the topic of home and my relationship with the people waiting for me there, including my ex-boyfriend turned best friend who still lives at home. As strange as it seems to everyone around me, he is the person I spend most of my time with and is easily the person I trust the most. I talk to him every night while I am at school, and either see or talk to him when I am at home most every day as well. I have always known that I have had a strong connection to home and to the people I have there, but internally I feel like people expected there to be a disconnect when I left home. To be honest, my friends are still fighting for this disconnect. However, they don't know the same boy I do. This has yet to come and I do not anticipate it's arrival anytime soon. Through my Twitterive, I feel like I have given the phrase "home is where the heart is" a new meaning. I have explored my friends' opinions against my own, conversations of which I have illustrated by color with my friends in red and myself in purple. I added a paragraph of a letter my friend wrote in dark blue. Flashbacks of conversations between myself and him are also reflected in color, with green representing his words and light blue showing mine. I have also dispersed the lyrics to the song "Home," throughout and put them in purple. This song is frequently on my mind when thinking about this situation.
I reflected on these tweets in particular when writing my twitterive.
Mother Nature, please don't let it snow enough so that I can't get home tomorrow night. Thanks! #twitterive
Somehow a little sore. Amazing being my friend took the shovel right from me and finished my driveway yesterday. Looks amazing!
Home again tonight...could be a little more eventful than I had thought. #twitterive#wrt1
Boy tricked me and surprised me last night- he was waiting for me when I got home- so cute :)
The people you have here, you always have here. But me, i'm a ticking clock. So why aren't you here #twittterive
Well this weekend was quite the adventure. #twitterive
http://twitter.com/#!/LindsayF8691
As a place, my home is not particularly extraordinary. I live in a small town and an average home. It is beyond these fixated marks that matters to me, that makes my home what it is to me. There are a number of reasons I could choose to give to explain why I am coming home. My home, though eclectic, is a warm, loving, and inviting place. I am also extremely close to both my immediate and my extended family and I love going home to see them.
I have always had a love/hate relationship with my double life of going back and forth from Rowan and home. Though I personally knew the rationale behind this constant back and forth motion, it is rare that I truly admit it to myself or anyone else. Thinking about that, I ended up challenging myself and exploring the topic of home and my relationship with the people waiting for me there, including my ex-boyfriend turned best friend who still lives at home. As strange as it seems to everyone around me, he is the person I spend most of my time with and is easily the person I trust the most. I talk to him every night while I am at school, and either see or talk to him when I am at home most every day as well. I have always known that I have had a strong connection to home and to the people I have there, but internally I feel like people expected there to be a disconnect when I left home. To be honest, my friends are still fighting for this disconnect. However, they don't know the same boy I do. This has yet to come and I do not anticipate it's arrival anytime soon. Through my Twitterive, I feel like I have given the phrase "home is where the heart is" a new meaning. I have explored my friends' opinions against my own, conversations of which I have illustrated by color with my friends in red and myself in purple. I added a paragraph of a letter my friend wrote in dark blue. Flashbacks of conversations between myself and him are also reflected in color, with green representing his words and light blue showing mine. I have also dispersed the lyrics to the song "Home," throughout and put them in purple. This song is frequently on my mind when thinking about this situation.
I reflected on these tweets in particular when writing my twitterive.
Mother Nature, please don't let it snow enough so that I can't get home tomorrow night. Thanks! #twitterive
Somehow a little sore. Amazing being my friend took the shovel right from me and finished my driveway yesterday. Looks amazing!
Home again tonight...could be a little more eventful than I had thought. #twitterive#wrt1
Boy tricked me and surprised me last night- he was waiting for me when I got home- so cute :)
The people you have here, you always have here. But me, i'm a ticking clock. So why aren't you here #twittterive
Well this weekend was quite the adventure. #twitterive
http://twitter.com/#!/LindsayF8691
Double Li(v)es
Another day begins at Rowan, but it’s the same old story. I wake up and check my phone. If I’m lucky, there’s a sweet good morning text from my friend to greet me. “3 more days,” I say to myself as I climb out of bed. “Just three more days.”
I walk around my room to collect an outfit for the day. As I smile like a goof thinking about last night's phone call, I try to tell myself. "It’s not that I don’t enjoy Rowan. I most definitely have more friends at Rowan than I do at home. However, the friends I have here don’t know me in the same way as my friends at home do. A lot of my friends from high school were just that and the rest of my friends from home are all away at school and are preoccupied with their own lives. We don't catch up as often as I might like, so my friends from home who are at school and my life at home and at school could be considered different entities entirely. My life has become very different since I dated my best friend a year and a half ago. As anyone could guess, we have our problems now, but they do not define our relationship. But, since my friends from school were never there to witness the two of us when we were together, or even simply the two of us together now, they cannot know a huge part of me."
I head into the living room to start my day.
"Hey.”
“Hey.”
“How was your night? You went into your room pretty early.”
“I wanted a nap before my phone call, haha.”
“Make him call earlier!”
“It was his day off. He deserves one day out; I can wait.”
“You shouldn’t have to.”
"So did your mom tell you what I did for her yesterday?"
"I didn't talk to her actually so no. I'm a little scared."
"Well I saw her in work yesterday and I walked by and waved, then I saw her again and I went into the back and got her an apple pie for a dollar. I made it look like she was family because they sell stuff in the freezer back there for employees and relatives for like a dollar or two."
"Aww, you're so cute. I bet she loved that, but you didn't have to do that."
"She said Ryan likes apple pie, so that's what I got her."
"You're sweet."
……
“Hey, so did you see what I made as my status tonight before I came here?”
“No what?”
“I made it ‘Out with my babe’.”
…...
“I’m sorry I had to leave so early tonight. I hate being on call at night!”
“It’s ok; you had told me before and I understand; it’s not your fault. No big deal.”
“Yes, it is. It messed up my night with you.”
“May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
3 more days, just 3 more days.
“Lindsay, are you even listening to me?
“What? Yeah, I heard you. Ready to go? I know I am.”
“So, "What's on your mind?"
"Oh, nothing. Just distracted."
"What did he do?"
"Why would you think he did something?"
"He always does."
"Hey, there."
"Hey."
"What are you up to?"
"Ugh, working. This is killing me. You called at the perfect time; I really needed a distraction."
"Oh, no. Get back to work. I expect to be at that graduation in two years and I want to see all A's."
........
“Mrs. Finkelstein, drop that shovel!”
“What? I’m fine, don’t worry.”
“I would have been here sooner, but I didn’t realize you were already shoveling. Luckily, you’re done now. It’s my turn. I’ll finish.”
“You don’t need to do that…”
“I want to. I’ll widen out the driveway too for Mr. Finkelstein. I don’t want him to have trouble getting into the driveway.”
“He’ll be just fine. I don’t do this much shoveling for him ever haha.”
“Mrs. Finkelstein, don’t worry. I have it covered. Next time, I’ll take my dad’s plow over. It will be done before you even wake up. You’re not shoveling again."
And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that
I walk around my room to collect an outfit for the day. As I smile like a goof thinking about last night's phone call, I try to tell myself. "It’s not that I don’t enjoy Rowan. I most definitely have more friends at Rowan than I do at home. However, the friends I have here don’t know me in the same way as my friends at home do. A lot of my friends from high school were just that and the rest of my friends from home are all away at school and are preoccupied with their own lives. We don't catch up as often as I might like, so my friends from home who are at school and my life at home and at school could be considered different entities entirely. My life has become very different since I dated my best friend a year and a half ago. As anyone could guess, we have our problems now, but they do not define our relationship. But, since my friends from school were never there to witness the two of us when we were together, or even simply the two of us together now, they cannot know a huge part of me."
I head into the living room to start my day.
"Hey.”
“Hey.”
“How was your night? You went into your room pretty early.”
“I wanted a nap before my phone call, haha.”
“Make him call earlier!”
“It was his day off. He deserves one day out; I can wait.”
“You shouldn’t have to.”
"So did your mom tell you what I did for her yesterday?"
"I didn't talk to her actually so no. I'm a little scared."
"Well I saw her in work yesterday and I walked by and waved, then I saw her again and I went into the back and got her an apple pie for a dollar. I made it look like she was family because they sell stuff in the freezer back there for employees and relatives for like a dollar or two."
"Aww, you're so cute. I bet she loved that, but you didn't have to do that."
"She said Ryan likes apple pie, so that's what I got her."
"You're sweet."
……
“Hey, so did you see what I made as my status tonight before I came here?”
“No what?”
“I made it ‘Out with my babe’.”
…...
“I’m sorry I had to leave so early tonight. I hate being on call at night!”
“It’s ok; you had told me before and I understand; it’s not your fault. No big deal.”
“Yes, it is. It messed up my night with you.”
“May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know
3 more days, just 3 more days.
“Lindsay, are you even listening to me?
“What? Yeah, I heard you. Ready to go? I know I am.”
“So, "What's on your mind?"
"Oh, nothing. Just distracted."
"What did he do?"
"Why would you think he did something?"
"He always does."
"Hey, there."
"Hey."
"What are you up to?"
"Ugh, working. This is killing me. You called at the perfect time; I really needed a distraction."
"Oh, no. Get back to work. I expect to be at that graduation in two years and I want to see all A's."
........
“Mrs. Finkelstein, drop that shovel!”
“What? I’m fine, don’t worry.”
“I would have been here sooner, but I didn’t realize you were already shoveling. Luckily, you’re done now. It’s my turn. I’ll finish.”
“You don’t need to do that…”
“I want to. I’ll widen out the driveway too for Mr. Finkelstein. I don’t want him to have trouble getting into the driveway.”
“He’ll be just fine. I don’t do this much shoveling for him ever haha.”
“Mrs. Finkelstein, don’t worry. I have it covered. Next time, I’ll take my dad’s plow over. It will be done before you even wake up. You’re not shoveling again."
And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that
"Sorry I'm always burdening you like this, but lately there seem to be fewer and fewer people I can talk to. Even after everything with us, you're still one of the few people I feel fully comfortable talking to, even if it is like this sometimes."
"Why are you always so tired? You went to bed early last night."
"Not really."
"Were you on the phone again?'
"Yes."
"Just ignore him!"
“Turn off your phone.”
“You don’t need to talk to him anyway.”
“Why would you want to talk to that jerk?”
"Way to tag team there, guys. No, I want to talk to him. He works all day; he doesn't need to be calling me then. After work, he only has a few hours if he's lucky to see his friends. He deserves that. I'm fine whenever he calls."
"You deserve some sleep."
“You owe him nothing.”
“Ignore him!”
"I'm fine."
“I don’t know why you do this to yourself.”
"Good morning, beautiful."
"Mhhm...good morning."
"How are you at this early hour?"
"Still asleep haha what time is it?"
"...You don't really want to know haha. We didn't get to talk for that long last night though so I thought I would call before work. I have to get started with my dad in about an hour."
"Oh my gosh I just found the clock it's not even 6am yet! Go back to bed."
"Nah, I woke up a little early, I wanted to talk. You're home tomorrow right?"
"Yes I am, finally."
"Good. I should be able to see you then because I don't have work until 12 Thursday. What time are you home again?"
"I should be back around 11. Depends what time my class is over but hopefully earlier, the sooner the better."
"Ok good."
"I think so too."
3 more days, just 3 more days.
Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
"You're wasting your time."
"You know nothing."
"You can do better."
"Because you've seen so much? You know him so well?"
"You don't deserve this."
"A fight has nothing to do with that. Think about the person you fight with the most. Is it the one you know will always be there?"
"Why do you want to do this to yourself?"
" You don't know how much I've gained."
"It's not worth this."
"It's worth everything."
"Hi."
"Hi. Are you ok?"
"No. Yes. I'm fine. I'm fine."
"What's wrong?"
"My aunt just called. She was asking me if I know the signs of a stroke and she was crying and I don't know. She's on the phone with my mom now I think. What if it's my grandpa?"
"It's going to be ok. Do you have any idea what's going on now?"
"They're just talking I think. I didn't know who to call. Wait, my mom's calling me back now. I'll call you right back."
"How are you?"
"I'm ok. I'm sorry about last night."
"Don't worry about it."
"I felt bad that I did that to you when you were with your friends."
"I was in the bathroom when I called you back anyways. There's no service in that house anyways and I needed someplace to talk. My stomach was hurting again so I was just on the floor in a ball until I could stand again."
(He had just gotten out of the hospital a few days earlier after having passed out from chest pains.)
"What? Why didn't you tell me that? You let me go on and on while you were in pain? You should have just told me to shut up already; I'm so sorry!"
"It really didn't matter then. I'm fine now; I didn't need to make you worry more."
And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me”
- Home, Michael Buble
"What I would give to be home right now. Maybe if I just click my heels three times and say, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home...nothing. If I had never left there for Rowan, our relationship never would have changed in the first place, even though I think we've become closer because of it. He saw me leaving as just that: me leaving. Me leaving home, me leaving him. When I left for school, he didn’t realize the strides I was willing to take to maintain the relationships I had standing while also chasing my goals at Rowan.
I know what my friends see. I know what the world sees. But I know what I see too. I've heard all the judgement. Being friends with an ex is impossible, useless, tiresome...I've heard it all. Though I won't argue it has its ups and downs, I think it's been both the hardest and yet simplest thing I've ever done. Since I've met him, I've never been closer or more trusting of one single person in my life. Why would I want to throw that away? Hit me with all the problems, criticisms, and heartache you can muster, but I'll be staying right here, or rather, going right back there, as soon as I can. The place I'm at physically in no means represents the place I'm at mentally. I only wish he could see that too. I just hope that someday, the rest of my friends might start to see it like me, or see it like her, or give me the faintest of chances."
"He’s mean to her, he pushes her away, and he ignores her, when all he really wants is to be with her. I think if she does, things will change for them just like they did for us. I want her to have what we have, and I know that that person for her is him, which is another reason why I can’t stand him sometimes. I really do know that they should be together. I know I don’t know their relationship that well, but from what I have heard from Lindsay, they understand each other in a way that no other person could ever understand either one of them, not even a best friend."
"If I proposed to you right now, would you still stay at Rowan?"
"My feelings don't change because of a place, so yes."
"...Never mind then."
"Lindsay, are you ready to go?"
"More than you know."